Ahh my throat couldn't take it anymore.It was a drought ,but just in my throat. I hurried down to the nearby river to drink some water.I tiredly scoop the water up with my hand .The water flowed down my throat like a firefighter fighting the fire. Ahh that was much more refreshing.
I examined the old barren unkept cobblestone road.The falling leaves were covering the brick like a blanket.sunlight was blocked by the tall buildings.The dim light was fighting its way through the morning darkness.
The clean clothes were swaying non-stop like a pendulum.
The refreshing wind was blowing like a fan on a hot day.I really needed some water to drink ,but just not yet. I heard nothing apart from the birds chirping .I stumble around the dark corner,having a creepy feeling because of the unusual quietness.Could somebody be around the corner...no.I leaned on the course cobblestone wall in pain as if I had failed.I haven't given up just yet.
I love the first paragraph Jack it was really descriptive and dramatic
ReplyDeleteExcellent hook-in ! It will make the reader ask questions and continue reading on with the story e.g ''Ahh my throat couldn't take it anymore.''
ReplyDeleteJack! I loved the start of your story, there was good use of description eg. .I tiredly scoop the water up with my hand .The water flowed down my throat like a firefighter fighting the fire.' I definitely enjoyed reading this story and It was nice and short so it was easy and fast to read! Awesome story!
ReplyDeleteThe refreshing wind was blowing like a fan on a hot day. this sentence is really good because it tells the audience that your really hot and its just refreshes you
ReplyDelete