Paige’s hood drooped over her face as the rain poured down like a hurricane.
She moved slowly onwards up the track. Her small, frozen hand clutched
her suitcase she was pulling behind her. She trudged through the mud,
through the bushes and through a small forest. Paige followed the track
for hours and hours, then the night began to fall upon her. In the
distance she could see a large, old mansion. Hoping that the wicked old
man kept his promise that her little siblings were being held there.
That old man must be there, but if he had not kept his promise she had been
walking for days and days searching for nothing, Paige thought strangely
to herself as her fingers felt the door bell. She suddenly stopped in
her steps as she saw a flickering light from one of the windows. At
first she thought it was a t.v slowly showing the pictures but then she
changed her mind considering how far out in the countryside that this
house was. But she was as cold and wet as an iceberg so she finally gave
up and rang the doorbell, hoping for 5 children to answer…
Fabulous story Emma,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed that your story it was dramatic and intresting eg:Paige’s hood drooped over her face as the rain poured down like a hurricane. Her small, frozen hand clutched her suitcase she was pulling behind her. It helped me got hocked in wondering what was happening next. My favourite part was the langauge you used eg; flickering light as you could of just put the light. It was fabulous and I wanted to just keep reading. Even though your story was amazing your next step would be content to make sure you have enough to make the story make sence.
Nice Emma,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you pulled the reader in.e.g Paige’s hood drooped over her face as the rain poured down like a hurricane. . The part were it said "Paige’s hood drooped" made me think that she sad.( I liked how you added feeling in to the story.) And "poured down like a hurricane." really pulls the reader in.
There's a lot of things that make the reader want more at the end of the story e.g why she went to the house and whats inside her briefcase.
ReplyDeleteGreat story Emma,
ReplyDeleteYour story had a great hook in, kept me captive wanting to read more. It also had really good description. All round great story. Well done.
Emma, I really enjoyed reading your story! I liked how you used similes eg. she was as cold and wet as an iceberg. Also how you explained, what Paiges' actions were eg.her fingers felt the door bell. You had a really strong plot, if the story had maybe a little more to it, It would be more complete! Awesome story Emma.
ReplyDeleteEmma your story is excellent! The storyline his great and you have carefully laid out every single word in good quality! Like the sentence ''But she was as cold and wet as an iceberg so she finally gave up and rang the doorbell, hoping for 5 children to answer…'' Which really extended the climax to it and this sentence is good too '' Hoping that the wicked old man kept his promise that her little siblings were being held there.'' though with not much description it would really add some of of mystery to it making the reader ask questions
ReplyDeleteMatthew,I agree with you.
Delete