I see the large church and the proud castle. The winds sprints past me. The adrenalin rises within me. My mouth is stone dry. I then trip and collapse on the path. I calmly rose, with streaks of aching pain. I slowly strolled to the food cart reaching for an apple biting it and tasting it’s sweet juice while some of it also dribbled down my chin tasting it’s perfection.A hand touches my shoulder. I turn.
Wednesday 10 July 2013
The Citadel - By Matthew
I walk in silence. The houses and the paths follow me changing their directions and decorations. Windows were sealed shut. No smell lingered anywhere. I continued walking as I feel the cracked, mossy stone bricks draping across my feet. Fear, emptiness and depression merged together and formed in me like like bitterness in a rotten apple.
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This is a fantastic piece of writing Matthew. I really like your opening sentence "I walk in silence. The houses and the paths follow me changing their directions and decorations" Very interesting way of setting the scene. Your second paragraph is also very clever. describing the castle as 'Proud' creates an effective image.
ReplyDeleteMatthew I really like this type of writing because it has a lot of descriptive language eg tasting it’s sweet juice.I also like mossy stone bricks draping across my feet
ReplyDeleteJack
Matthew i like how you expressed how it was completely silent without saying it was completely silent.
ReplyDeleteI like how the reader would know what your feeling .e.g Fear, emptiness and depression
ReplyDeleteMatthew! I really liked your story. I liked your use of personification eg. "The wind sprints past me' Your story was nice and short, so It was a good quick read. I also liked how you left the reader in suspense at the end eg.' A hand touches my shoulder. I turn.' this was an awesome ending! Good Job Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI liked the end too Matthew. The suspense makes the reader want more and I had to re-read it again. Awesome job!
DeleteHey! I liked how you explained all the senses especially touch; 'I continued walking as I feel the cracked, mossy stone bricks draping across my feet'. I liked how you used 'draping' instead of a boring word. Clever use of words! :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked when it said "proud castle" because it made it sound really powerful and strong.
ReplyDeleteI can really vision this scene by how you described it. I like how you used show not tell when the character was eating the apple rather than saying the apple was sweet EG: "I slowly strolled to the food cart reaching for an apple biting it and tasting it’s sweet juice while some of it also dribbled down my chin tasting it’s perfection."
ReplyDeleteIt was really well written. I like the personification e.g. the windows sped past me.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you ended the writing with "I felt a hand on my shoulder," because it makes you want to know who this person is.
ReplyDeleteWell Done