The salty aroma of the sea dug its way into my nose. The sun’s heat penetrated through the car’s shield, burning the window. I look at a road sign: “Waikanae beach,20 KM”. That meant that I didn't have to wait that long until we got there.
I was almost dead from hunger. I rummage around for my phone. Ah! I find what I should have found in the first place, a biscuit, It is amazing that finding a biscuit feels like finding a gold bar. In a flash I opened the packet and scoffed it as quick as a rabbit eating a carrot.
A few minutes later, trees began to turn into shops and houses. Cars were parked everywhere .”We’re in Waikanae” I report to my mum.
The two speed limit signs were like soldiers standing there 24/7 ,guarding the town’s territory.
The town was overloaded with citizens enjoying the stunning, sparkling sun. As we drove closer, I caught a glimpse of the beach, the image gets bigger and bigger. We park at the car park and I'm off. I run towards the bay. The fresh scent of sausages invades my nose. Too bad, I'm too full to eat any more food.
Suddenly a loud echo aims towards me, Oh it’s my mum calling.”Jack, where did you put the biscuit”. Guilt spreads across my face and I go further down the beach to pretend that I didn't hear my mum.
THE END
A few minutes later, trees began to turn into shops and houses. Cars were parked everywhere .”We’re in Waikanae” I report to my mum.
The two speed limit signs were like soldiers standing there 24/7 ,guarding the town’s territory.
The town was overloaded with citizens enjoying the stunning, sparkling sun. As we drove closer, I caught a glimpse of the beach, the image gets bigger and bigger. We park at the car park and I'm off. I run towards the bay. The fresh scent of sausages invades my nose. Too bad, I'm too full to eat any more food.
Suddenly a loud echo aims towards me, Oh it’s my mum calling.”Jack, where did you put the biscuit”. Guilt spreads across my face and I go further down the beach to pretend that I didn't hear my mum.
THE END
Jack I enjoy your work and its uses of similes ''The two speed limit signs were like soldiers standing there 24/7 ,guarding the town’s territory.'' and ''The salty aroma of the sea dug its way into my nose'' your work is excellent and well-worded, you use plenty of descriptive language and it is completely good. However I think that this sentence may contain an error ''I accelerated around road barrier'' although your writing is very nice!
ReplyDeleteJack I really enjoyed how your story really helped me picture the scene, E.G: 'The salty aroma of the sea dug its way into my nose. The sun’s heat penetrated through the car’s shield, burning the window' It was really helpful. You also put in a lot of really good adjective words and phrases E.G: stunning, sparkling sun. A also agree with Matthew, that the phrase: 'The two speed limit signs were like soldiers standing there 24/7 ,guarding the town’s territory.'' was a very good example of a simile. I also agree with him that 'I accelerated around road barrier' was a bit of a mistake but other wise it was PERFECT!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much
DeleteI really like how you use interesting words in sentences .e.g The fresh scent of sausages invades my nose. Also I liked when your mum called you about the biscuit that you ate. this is really good Jack, keep it up.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed how you changed a simple subject into a intense one. The whole way you used hyperbole which is something that not many people can do. Well Done
ReplyDelete