As I walked on the soft, warm sand ,I looked out and saw the electric blue ocean , people lying around soaking up the warm summer sun, I could hear the foamy waves crashing up against the sand. The seagulls squawking.
As I looked into the sparkling blue ocean I saw something shining.
As the person i am I just had to check it out…..
I slowly walked towards the foamy water, I was coming closer to the bright shining object, but it wasn't as big as i thought, It turned out to be a green bottle. Inside was a what seemed like a scrunched up piece of paper. I picked up the bottle, slowly turned the cork until i heard a ‘pop.’
As I slowly and carefully took out the piece of paper I unscrolled the letter.
I read through the message…..It was about a girl stranded on an island it was signed Holly Smith, 2015.
I dropped the letter I’m Holly Smith…
Hi Kez this is are really great story I love this paragraph e.g As I walked on the soft, warm sand ,I looked out and saw the electric blue ocean , people lying around soaking up the warm summer sun, I could hear the foamy waves crashing up against the sand. The seagulls squawking. this makes a really good hook to get people reading.
ReplyDeleteHi kez. This a really good story. I love the end bit e.g. I read through the message…..It was about a girl stranded on an island it was signed Holly Smith, 2015.
ReplyDeleteI dropped the letter I’m Holly Smith… It really surprised me. Keep up the good work.
Hey kezzi
ReplyDeleteI really like the part where your story goes
"As I slowly and carefully took out the piece of paper I unscrolled the letter."
It really adds some suspense to your story and keeps the reader hooked onto your story so they can see what is written on it
Nice kez!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the beginning of the story you set the scene really well and it pulled me in for the rest of the story and describes the beach perfectly!
All around great story, keep it up!
hey Kezzi
ReplyDeletei love the part were she says eg.
I read through the message... It was about a girl stranded on an island it was signed Holly smith 2015
I dropped the letter im Holly smith
Hey Kez :)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a cool story! I really love how you described opening the bottle "I picked up the bottle, slowly turned the cork until i heard a ‘pop.’" It's a really good description of the bottle :) I also love how you described the beach.
Such a awesome story! Keep it up!
Wow this is dramatic. I definitely wasnt expecting that. That is a perfect twist. I have read heaps of short stories and not many of them have had a really good twist like that. You also used really good describing words eg; soft, warm sand, electric blue ocean , people lying around soaking up the warm summer sun, I could hear the foamy waves crashing up against the sand. The seagulls squawking. It really set the scene in the readers head. Well done Kez this is sooo cool! xo :)
ReplyDeleteWow this is dramatic. I definitely wasnt expecting that. That is a perfect twist. I have read heaps of short stories and not many of them have had a really good twist like that. You also used really good describing words eg; soft, warm sand, electric blue ocean , people lying around soaking up the warm summer sun, I could hear the foamy waves crashing up against the sand. The seagulls squawking. It really set the scene in the readers head. Well done Kez this is sooo cool! xo :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Every one! :)
ReplyDeleteWell done Kezia! This is a really good story. It was (Like Hope said ) very dramatic in a really good way. I also liked all of the adjective words/phrases E.G: electric blue ocean, bright shining and foamy water. Also you really set the scene and helped me paint a picture in my mind E.G: soft, warm sand ,I looked out and saw the electric blue ocean , people lying around soaking up the warm summer sun, I could hear the foamy waves crashing up against the sand. The seagulls squawking. You also showed what the character was like E.G: As the person i am I just had to check it out…
ReplyDeleteSomething to work on would be just going through to check for punctuation but apart from that it was really awesome! Thanks for sharing it with us!